Pirates Should Pay

Piracy adverts make me laugh. You know what I’m talking about: the ones with the blaring rock music that say buying a pirate DVD is like stealing a handbag, or where you see that the man who sold you the dodgy DVD is actually the hired stooge of a London mobster who coincidentally looks a lot like Jason Statham and has a stash of Russian assault rifles for sale from his car boot.
It’s just not like that.
The nearest I came to such a character was in my old local pub in Manchester. A withered oriental gentleman would go from table to table saying: “Widgee-wee... widgee-wee?” It was only after peering inside the stuffed black dustbin bag he was carrying and seeing a gross number of cellophane-wrapped discs did we realise that he was saying ‘DVD’. It seemed more ridiculous than threatening; if anything, he looked like some strange intercontinental tramp wandering the drinking establishments of Great Britain begging for bar snacks.
So don’t believe everything you’re told: buying a pirate DVD does not mean you are keeping your local mafiamen in shades and shiny suits. But do let me tell you this: piracy is a bad idea.
Have you been to the cinemas recently? Have you noticed the kinds of films that are being brought out? If it’s not a sequel, it’s some rehashing of an old story as a prequel, an animated adventure or perhaps even a musical: Star Trek has been resuscitated, James Bond revived and Batman begun again. Fame was botoxed and performing split-legged jumps across our screens once more, while we were being sold spin-offs like Wolverine or sequels like Transformers 2, Toy Story 3 and The Fast & The Furious (number four, but this time just called the same thing... again).
Why is this? I’m sure it’s something to do with merchandising; James Bond dolls that turn into remote-controlled robot Aston Martins probably make as much money as the ticket sales of the film itself. And that’s exactly why the film companies are making these films: they’re a safe bet.
Since downloading has appeared, DVD sales have plummeted with everyone choosing to get their home video entertainment online for free. The film companies have responded to this. Instead of putting out regular movies, they now come in eight different visual dimensions with surround sound that reverberates like you’re sat inside a drum. And the films that are coming out are ones that they know will definitely make money; well worn and proven franchises, only now with even crazier special effects. Avatar might be new, but it’s also all of these things. And a lot like Pocahontas in space.
These films still have massive budgets and in most instances, they earn this money back. But the effect of this has been felt further down the cinematic food chain. Small independent productions are struggling to get funding unless they include Johnny Depp dressed up as a witty pale-faced freak. Even Sherlock Holmes has been reinvented with an American actor in the lead and a convenient number of explosions alongside some polite Victorian bare-knuckle boxing.
Don’t get me wrong: this is a transitional period for film. Until the industry has worked out how to pay creative people to produce real art for the big screen, we will continue to wallow in the absurd, steroid-injected CGI revisions of well known movies that are on our screens right now. But if you’re not prepared to pay for the good stuff, then get ready for more rehashing: High School Musical 7: Robots Attack and Pirates of the Caribbean 9: Singalong with Captain Jack could well be gracing our screens soon. They might even dust off Police Academy for another run.
Now there’s a worrying thought.